Healing from Narcissistic Abuse
A poem
I pre-ordered Rupi Kaur’s latest book Healing Through Words. I had forgotten all about it until the day it was delivered. “What a nice surprise,” I thought. After all, I just ended a karmic cycle with a covert narcissist (more on that another time). Healing wasn’t just my middle name it was my first and last name too.
The first exercise was identifying what trauma looks like with images and words. Then write a poem only using four keywords with a beginning prompt: “The crack in the….”
My keywords were confusion, yelling, crying, and anxious.
Here’s what I wrote:
The crack in the heart is bigger than I thought.
Deeper than I thought.
I was valued and then devalued.
It turns out the sweet nothings were just that. Nothing.
Like everything else, the appreciations were a lie to stir up confusion.
Causing inner warfare between my heart and my mind.
Paralyzing me, to fawn, to stay during low moments, and then feeling like I can’t continue on.
How do I find a balance between yelling followed by praise?
How do you make sense of the constant words “you’re so sweet” to being shown you mean nothing?
I was lost between you’re not enough, and you’re too much.
My soul was crying; creating a sign that said,
“I’ll do anything for love.”
The flags of this race are all red.
I’m not stopping. I’m just going and going.
I’m depleting myself, trying to pour into them.
The anxious-avoidant trap.
I’m the empath, and they are the narcissist.
The giver vs. the taker.
I’ve had enough.
Enough of feeling like my existence is over the top.
Enough of minimizing myself to fit into a mold created by domestication and toxic relationships.
I begin to peel back the layers to get to the core.
My core.
My soul says I need to listen to my body and intuition more than I do them.
If you speak to me, talk to me nice or not at all.
Those tears I release are part of my spiritual awakening.
I must learn to calm my nerves and follow the beat of my own heart.
See, what the little girl in me didn’t realize is that there will be many people who will try and hurt me because they are hurting themselves, but that’s not for me to worry about.
So I’m finally taking my cape off.
The little girl in me now knows she’s always been a beacon of light.
A light that is meant to shine.
For some, it’ll be too bright, and they will walk away after trying to destroy me because they chose darkness as their extended stay.
For others, they will choose to ride along my journey of waves and always encourage me never to dim my light and always to live out my purpose…in the most righteous way.
If you or someone you know is in a toxic or abusive situation, educate yourself on the signs and terminology. Reach out to a trusted person and seek help. Getting out and recovering is not a battle you or they should fight alone.
